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  • Julie Von Nonveiller Cairnes

When The Dance Is Over

And you finally come home to you


It’s when we take back our own life

and start acting instead of reacting,

we’ll get to the point

where narcissists no longer affect

or impact on us.



For as long as we’re focused on the abuser/s, we can’t heal our own life. But there’s very real collateral damage left in the wake of a sustained assault of narcissistic abuse.


Here's Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Recovery expert Melanie Tonia Evans take, on the complete waste of energy and the fruitlessness of trying to get the narcissists to understand how their behaviours have destructively impacted on our own life:


“This is when we lecture and prescribe, having conversations over and over again as if it is to a child in an adults body who just doesn’t GET common decency : we try to make the narcissist be accountable : we try to get other people to see what they are doing to us: we plead, beg, cry, yell, bang our heads against the wall.


And we are deeply disturbed and obsessing about what the narcissist is capable of doing to us and the people we love.


When this happens, we provide the perfect self-medication for the narcissist, being the drama that can take the narcissist away from his or her self-annihilating inner being, and we are also now the perfect scapegoat to be smeared to family, friends and associates.


We have become the ‘the crazy one causing all the problems’.

(And let’s face it - the situation IS crazy !!)

And — to add insult to injury you’re handing over A-grade narcissistic supply — “the highly charged emotional reactions that confirm to the narcissist that he or she can affect another significantly and therefore must be ‘significant’.”



Courage & Commitment

Yes it does take a huge amount of courage and personal commitment to self-healing.


To move through the damage and back to face our own core wounds that allowed the perpetrator into our world, in all the ways they did.


Whether through trolling, technological and other forms of lifehacking, in an actual intimate relationship, or even (and sadly, often) in a workplace.


Many who’ve been the unwitting dinner for Narcs for a period of time, often end up, also very sadly, close to ending their life. And some don’t survive. When we start thinking the only way to protect our life and soul from the predators is to kill ourself, we're in very dangerous and deadly waters. It's time to take stock, and fly high above such self-destructive impulses, my friend. Way overtime, in fact.


When we learn to rise above the insane strategies of sociopaths — who’ve been trying so hard and so relentlessly to destroy us — calling on our own resilience, our courage, and our deepest understanding, we can get through this.


Trust me. You can.

Don’t Try To Analyse The Narc

Ultimately, we need to try not to penetrate the mysteries of the Narc’s personality and reason for their illness and behaviours.


We need to stop wasting our life and our precious time analysing their often inexplicable motives and actions.


The personality of the Narcs relates to a core wound, that for them, cannot be assuaged or fed, much like a massive black hole in space. And a core behaviour of narcissists is having no remorse.


The core wound is the meeting place of the Narcs and the Co-dependent Empath, and also the place where all similarities cease.





Don’t Feed The Beast


One of the recognisable key factors is their sociopathic disregard for the impact they have that creates relentless wreckage of our life. With no apology, no remorse.


And so, we need to not give them the gift [food] of our attention, and bring our vision back to ourself. Recognise we didn’t see it coming and that we won’t go back there again.


And be gentle with ourself.


But reach out and reclaim our own life again as strongly as possible.

If we can’t completely cut off from the Narc which is the preferable remedy for healing, due to social media, or other factors, then the next best thing is to make our own life all it could possibly be and better.


In fact it’s THE best thing we could do.


Guts & Courage

Blowing the whistle on the Narc hardly ever works, according to Melanie Tonia Evans, it really just fuels the endless drama.


It takes guts and courage to examine our own core wounds that allowed the situation in the first place and to look at the holes and wounds in our own life that attracted them.


This is the mirror of the Narc and the co-dependent: the core wounding.


The Similarities & The Differences


It’s a mightily dysfunctional dance between the Narc and the Co-dependent.


Where one is consumed with meeting the needs of the other, assuaging this through constantly giving, rescuing and fixing things; and the other is totally self-obsessed and consumed with controlling and taking.


This is not to say the Co-dependent person is not trying to control a dysfunctional and rapidly deteriorating situation — yes, the dynamic is multi-layered and complex, but there are glaring differences.


The original wounding that created such low self esteem, low self-worth and a lack of self confidence for the co-dependent, had a very different impact on the Narcissistic person.


The Narcissist, as a general rule of thumb, has sociopathic tendencies and is often brutally unaware, or closed down, to the impact of their constant attacking, taking and feeding on the life energy on the other.


Who can end up literally collapsing with exhaustion of life energy, under the relentless assaults.


Ultimately the Co-dependent dance partner becomes deeply resentful and bitter at not having their love returned, as they watch the dream turn to ashes and die.


The Co-Dependent Awakens


Realising our true gift of incredible sensitivity and awareness of what’s happening within others, is the blessed awakening for us — the Empath.


We previously viewed our psychic and supernatural healing abilities as a curse rather than the very real blessings they are.


Our awakened abilities, when trained in the ways of the Empath, can then be used to sensitively help and heal others, through their pain and distress.


An educated Empath knows how to place healthy boundaries ‘round this life work, in stark comparison to the Co-dependent persona of the past, where personal boundaries were porous and practically useless in terms of self care.



Success Is Our Best Revenge


But yes, it’s the behaviours and awareness, or lack thereof, that truly differentiate one from the other.


This inner understanding of the truth of it all, gained through our bitter and harshly lived experience, is the place we must go to now, objectively seeing the massive damage left behind, and re-build.


We need to become inspirational unto ourselves and to the world through finding our own inner strength, resilience and peace, creating a healthy life for ourself through working toward our self-fulfilment.


Of our very real dreams and visions.





We Were Born With a Prophecy


And this — this is the path of our self-actualisation and our Becoming, so famously blocked and stolen from us by the hungry Narcissists, the uninvited energy vampires — the sociopaths.


It’s time now to reclaim all our energy — our brilliance, our innate genius and all of the truth of who we are, with our beautiful light and life energy.


Our creativity, our abilities and — well — us!


Our presence changes everything.


So stop giving it all away, most particularly to those who absolutely do not deserve what we have to give. Be selective about who we choose to share the gift of us.


And I promise you this: it’s the ONLY way.




Copyright 2019/2020 © Julie Von Nonveiller Cairnes. All rights reserved.

I first published this on MEDIUM on May 1, 2019·


https://medium.com/the-educated-empath/the-path-back-to-you-bb1acb02fed2


Found these thoughts useful and interesting? For more of my articles, songs, poetry and stories, feel free to follow me (Julie Cairnes) on Medium or right here on my website, and check out the links to a few of my most popular articles below!


Also please feel free to contact me or book me for a reading or spiritual counselling on this website - you choose - I'm here for YOU!



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