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  • Julie Von Nonveiller Cairnes

Dealing With The Very Real Dangers Of Flying Monkeys

Updated: Nov 19

The narcissist's pawns who work overtime to make our life hell


When a narcissist has lost control over us, they’ll then try to control how others see us.


Photo · Yang Liu · Unsplash



Are there puppets or pawns of the Narcissist still hanging ‘round, when you’ve already left the situation far and way behind you? These are the Flying Monkeys who are willingly doing the narcissist’s bidding in order to inflict more torment on you, the narcissist’s victim. Sometimes they even work in gangs.

Why do these Flying Monkeys seem to persist with their destructive agenda in your life?


What is that about?


It can seem mystifying, particularly if it’s someone who seemed to once be a friend, but finally unmasked themself as in fact a ‘Frenemy’ — an extremely nasty enemy wearing a mask of friend.


Flying Monkey · Jerusalem House


This is someone who’s being manipulated by the Narcissist and may have a vested interest in getting a gold star or some kind of recognition or accolade from the Narcissist.


On the other hand, they just may not have the insight to know they’re being cleverly manipulated for someone else’s destructive agenda, and are as yet an unsuspecting minion, as they persist with participating in the Narc’s obsession with you.

So what is a flying monkey?


Flying Monkeys or Apaths are terms used in popular psychology, mainly in the context of Narcissistic abuse, but also in the context of people who act on behalf of Psychopaths, also known as proxy abusers


Flying Monkey behaviours are from the same family as an Energy Vampire or Narcissist — if it’s done knowingly, there’s no difference.


It’s one and the same behaviour and entail a wish to derail you and steal your life energy. Even to the point of destroying you, their narcissistic /life energy supply.


How did they get their name?


A narcissistic personality disordered person usually has their Flying Monkeys. This is originally a term taken from The Wizard of Oz, where the flying monkeys gang up on an innocent person by order of the Wicked Witch.


In your case, the flying monkeys may be your neighbours, churchgoing folks, cult or coven members, relatives even — including siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother, grandfather, etc.

These people are doing the narcissist’s dirty work when pouring their own abuse on you.


Narcissists have extremely limited insight and are master manipulators, and hold onto the delusional belief that their evil behaviours toward others are somehow justified. When you try to fight back, remonstrate or reason with them, this upsets them, they then target you as their scapegoat or victim, and bring in their flying monkeys.


Often when the targeted person is left lying on the ground emotionally wounded and bleeding, they respond in an outraged manner, telling them ‘Now look what you made me do!’

Adding fuel to the fire


For the victim of the narcissist this adds fuel to the fire of your disbelief, as you know they were the one who attacked you in the first place, and now they’re blaming you for it! And maybe even letting everyone know they are the victim! It goes from bad to worse in these scenarios.


They spend every spare minute destroying your reputation by slandering you, and projecting on you — even calling you the narcissist!

Of course, their allies — the flying monkeys — believe them, and even encourage their delusions.


Who you really are becomes unrecognisable to the world through the lies and bizarre and distorted image they paint of you.


When more than one flying monkey is involved, this type of targeting is known as ‘mobbing’, and you as the target will find what’s happening unbelievable, so ugly is the picture they paint of you.


Flying Monkey Chinese Tattoo


That’s when you start to lose it — losing your perspective and your very real and lived experience of the truth — asking yourself “Oh my God is it me? Am I the crazy one? Am I the abusive one?”

When in your heart, and being completely honest with yourself, you know the true picture.


Remember this — you are definitely NOT the abuser. You know intimately what abuse is. You know if you’ve done it. Or not. Know that the abusive Narcissist is NOT questioning themselves — that’s absolutely NOT in character for this type of pathological behaviour.


The whole situation is completely crazy-making and rife with red flags.


The scenario with the narcissist is not the usual argument or conflict with a loved one — this stuff you're living through comes from another hellish dimension entirely. And the problem is, that over a prolonged period of time of being abused, the victim really begins to question their own reality, and their own knowledge of the truth.

Your sense of self may begin to deteriorate


Even the strongest-minded person can begin to lose perspective over time — you’ll understand this when you realise this is similar to experiencing prolonged psychological (and sometimes physical) torture in a jail cell — but within the home or workplace.


Detachment from the attacks and the rumours takes an enormous strength of mind to achieve.


And this is where the behaviours of the Flying Monkeys become apparent. These are the folks around you who completely overlook the red flags, the blatant abuse and the obvious facts in their face — that the Narcissist is the one causing and not resolving the issues. They deny your truth, stating “there are two sides to every story”.


These people have somehow become blind and deaf to what’s evident.


These people are no longer your friends, but pawns of the narcissist. And so the torment grows exponentially in breadth and depth — from what was originally one person, to a group of people.

It’s a truly mind-blowing and deadly situation.

Get emotionally armed and dangerous


And you, the victim, need to stand strong and steadfast, as the narcissist and co. heap on the nightmarish dramas. As the target of these attacks, you need to be armed with defences. Because you’re dealing with not only the narcissist, and your own co-dependency and issues about yourself, but also numerous other people you’d originally thought would be your staunch allies, and part of your own support system. Who have proven not to be so.


Woven within all this pain is the wrenching heartbreak of loss and betrayal.


And then begin the unwanted battles with those whom you’d thought were your friends. They place you on trial and judge you for crimes you never committed, and often you’re not told exactly what those crimes are, but just treated as a criminal. Mind-bending stuff.


You feel like you’re climbing a steep cliff-face with no ropes or tools or friendly hands to lift you, and those who should be standing by you, are instead slandering and throwing rocks at you.


These are the behaviours of Flying Monkeys. It’s hard to live through these experiences with your heart still fully working, and your belief in the goodness of humanity is usually substantially damaged. Trust issues abound.

What motivates Flying Monkeys?


But little do the Flying Monkeys realise the Narcissist can and often will do unto them what they are doing unto others — namely — you. Oh, yes.

But why do it in the first place? Originally your friend/s, why can’t they see through the lies and manipulations of the narcissist? Evidently not.


These co-dependent support groups of the Narc can also be found in other unexpected places, such as service providers i.e. counsellors, pastors, social workers, and the police.


They’re seduced by the charisma and charm of the Narc into only seeing one side of the story — theirs.


These can also be family members, which cuts even closer to home when this happens, it can cut very deep.


The Narc has sold you out as being the ‘problem one’, and the Flying Monkeys either participate in the dramas of the Narc’s grandiosity, or use you as an outlet for their own aggressions. Often the momentum of the personality of the Narc sweeps people along like a fire out of control and they’re completely unable to see through the smoke and the stink of lies, as they go along for the ride.

The Slander and Smear Campaigns


The stories the Narc tells the Flying Monkeys are often so toxic they poison the very air. And thus, the slanderous Smear Campaigns begin. The Flying Monkeys then become outraged on behalf of the Narc and they intend to take action, and they mean to bring you down! They simply can’t believe anyone could have acted in the ways the Narc says you did (and well — you didn’t!), and they decide to take it upon themselves to confront or even attack you.


The Narcissist fully supports and encourages these attacks on you, and the Flying Monkey works under the delusion they’re somehow righting wrongs. The Narc then, of course, rewards them with flattery, praise and attention.


Sometimes these Flying Monkeys don’t initially have malicious motives, they’ve been completely misled and duped by the Narc into believing you’re evil, abusive and done very wrong things.


Because the Narc is usually very charismatic and convincing, they come across as authentic to the uninitiated. Most Flying Monkeys can’t see through the façade to the manipulations of a psychopathic abuser.

Shooting ‘em down

Now in order to survive this devastating situation, you need to realise these guys are really out to kill you. They’re deluded assassins and they’re out to murder your reputation and destroy your life.

This can mean really bad outcomes for some of us who’ve been targeted in these ways. Really bad. The worst.

We have to learn how to fight back and shoot ‘em down. We have no other choice. Because we have a life to live and things to do.

So, here are some helpful strategies for dealing with any of the unwanted and uninvited forays of Flying Monkeys and Narcissists past your stronger and stronger personal boundaries:

o Run any of their comments through your Truth filter o Educate as many around you as you possibly can o Don’t play their games o Add the Flying Monkey to your ‘No Contact’ list

Many Flying Monkeys are downright dangerous, outright mean and very nasty.

Lock the doors when you see them coming!

Copyright 2019/2020 © Julie Von Nonveiller Cairnes. All rights reserved.


I first published this in MEDIUM on Jun 10, 2019


https://medium.com/the-educated-empath/dealing-with-the-very-real-dangers-of-flying-monkeys-5d0ff419b586

None of my messages are about other people (ie 'celebrities' and so on) - no matter what they might think - these come from me, to you my friend, for your soul upliftment

Love. You.

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Julie Cairnes